while we were already enjoying a more casual ambiance after the wedding, one of my ex-classmates commented that all of us had gone to attend a wedding (well, i, technically, had gone to a reception - i didn't go to the church ceremony anymore) and ended up discussing a classmates' finale of her disastrous marriage - an annulment - more of an impending finale really because she hasn't gone through the whole process yet...
but as we have gone on our separate ways, i at the back of a taxi with my tummy due in two months, and my classmates in their respective houses or taxis (those who had gone home the same time that i did), as anybody would do on that occasion, i could not help myself from falling asleep. it was already 3 am and i had a long day.
that night, we talked about everything we could think of - especially how the theories we learned in college, theories that we were so definite of, have become less and less probable and more complicated.
we imagine how we used feminism, post-structuralism, structuralism, marxism, and all the other isms to explain almost everything that we believe in. oh, that night, i could again the fiery and intoxicating blissfulness of idealism. our ideas were so raw, so innocent and hopelessly, for my case, stupid.
the lives that we lived then were so different from what we have now - of course, we are not students anymore. but aside from that, new ties were made, new fuck bodies are being continuously discovered, new lives were given to, allegiance to different theories have changed, new norms that have been broken and followed and all of the thinkable and unthinkable that could ever happen to us.
oh, i wish i could write what has happened to our lives - each of our lives - for me to trace the change and see how much of these changes have done us good or bad. but i couldn't. i have secluded myself from that i hardly know what they were like in college and i do not have any idea how they are living their lives now.
but still i kept on nodding every time they talk about the changes that we have all undergone. i kept on muttering weird. i can't count anymore how many times i had said the word weird that night - seeing one of our classmates getting married and entering the homicidal word of the domesticated life, hearing one of our classmates recounting every painful detail of her bitter marriage, seeing myself having a baby months from now and worrying about the expenses, finally getting the confirmation straight from a classmate who has finally come out of the closet....
weird because at the end of it all, when i look back, i really do not know who they are and who they were. and if i think of being nostalgic, to explain that what i felt that night and while i am writing this entry. but nostalgia is rooted from something that you have been acquainted to or you have experienced sometime in the past - and what i have now and that night was just the present...so there is nothing to be nostalgic about...
No comments:
Post a Comment